The domestic, the alcoholic, the whore and the homo- ‘in no particular order’

Confessions; Day 1

Confessions are the fallacies that we hide; they are the wrinkles that we disappear; they are the little wounds that we remember; they are the little rocks that we accumulate and we store in our deepest closets; confessions are the image that we see when we look in the mirror. But for some, it needs to be exposed so that we can move on with our lives. So today, I have had an epiphany and I have decided to disclose my secret in a confessional that I may one day regret.

Before I start sounding like an usher melody, I am confident in saying that I am in the truest sense, ready. Ready for all that is there for me and for all that is not. I am not sure what I am doing at the moment; but I know that someday this will be what I leave behind, for those that may care to pursue the complexities that have been my so-called life.

This for you my sister and I am telling this story for your son. So that he may get to know who his relative was and why he was the way he was. There is no secret, everyone has a story and every story is worth telling, but it depends on the way it was told.

Tomorrow is another day, filed with the elixir that I deny myself, deny because its not
something I want to be controlled by in the future.

Confessions; Day 2

The future is what I am looking forward to but this future is the Holy Grail that I cannot find. I am sure one day I will make it there, but that day at this juncture is not within the mists that have been conjured by the Delphic oracle that has cast the story of my present. So what is the story and what is the catch? Why I am running, why am I more interested in Friends and Fraiser than what I have to say?

Confessions are those things that I have been hiding from myself. Like the moment when she told me that she was raped. While we sat on the bed in that lonely apartment, overlooking the largest concentration of people in North America, she dropped the bombshell that has shaped my ethos and my life to this point. It has made me make certain decisions, out of fear of becoming like them, out of sheer determination not to end up like them. I have sought for so long to make my own name and I have chosen the path none amogst us has ever attempted, because of the lie that began that day. At the moment it was told, I was never really sure of its veracity nor its validity, but because of my upbringing and what had been ingrained, I accepted it as the holy truth told from the chosen one- one that can never lie, the one that never falters, the one that can never be wrong. Based on those falsities, my hatred began and now it has brought me to a point where I am at a crossroads, one path leading to my future and another leading to hidden denials and a life filed with confined shackles that will hold me forever.

Confessions are all that I have, are all that I want for and all that I am able to give at this point.

I want to tell you something, I am tired…I am really tired of lying and pretending to be something that I am not. I just want you to understand where I am at this point- I really want you to understand. As the person who knew me for me, who the person who I am about to become. You are the only one that understands, perhaps because of your fallings and your attempted history. Mine is just taking root and I want to share it with you and yours.

The crossroads that I spoke of before has another path, a path that I am about to choose, at the expense of you and your kin, my kin and all that has made me. Please understand that I must take this road, this is the trail for me; revealed through the my senses and my intuition that is my guides. I am afraid and I do not know whether you will understand or ever speak to me. For that matter, I am not sure if anyone will ever speak to me after this is over.

Confessions take you through the unforgiven path, it is never redeeming but self-assuring. Confessions are the token coloured that need to be brought into the fold to give legitimacy to the whole endeavor. They are the unspoken truths that no one ever wants to know about, but without which the whole farcical event would have never taken place. I want legitimacy for me, for my life and my future.

Confessions are those nasty little things that you have to put aside abruptly and try not think about them when they appear. They are the things that cause disgust and the things that taboos are made of. As Kinsey noted in his study of the human male, sexuality is nothing but a continuum and this continuum starts with your father.